It has been almost a year since I last put up a blog. So much has happened, I have Blake my son that has been assessed wtih Aspergers in October 2011 and then my eldest daughter was diagnosed in December 2011. It has been such a rough road and so much has happened since then.
I dont know where to begin.
Maybe all of that doesnt matter. Right now I am at another difficult time of my life and am slowly trying to get back on my feet and succeed and by that I mean, find happiness again, from within and with my kids. Recently separated, my children have mixed feelings. My eldest is angry and doesn't want to have anything to do with my husband and my other children seem to be ok about seeing him and spending time with him. The separation was so ugly that words just cant describe it, I felt like I was living a nightmare about 3 weeks ago and that nightmare still haunt me.
Sometimes I have flashbacks and sometimes when I think about the betrayal I go into a deep sadness.
A deep sadness that I cant share with anyone because all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide from the world. A deep sadness that I hide from my children, the tears fall down my face while I am driving home and the kids are oblivious to it. Tears fall down my face when I look in the mirror and wallow in self pity, I know it's not helpful but it's what I do. I wasn't ready for this separation, I wasn't prepared, it hit me so suddenly and in such a shocking way that I think I havent really accepted it yet. I think that I'm getting better each day and then I have a really bad day where it's all so fresh and so raw again.
One day I will be stronger, I will be more accepting, I will be relieved and happy about my current situation but that's not today.
Thankfully my kids are settled in terms of their medications and generally with their behaviour.
Tonight my eldest daughter delivers a bombshell and tells me she doesnt want to go to her school anymore, she wants to go to a school that is half hour away!! I can't deal with that right now, so my answer was No!! when she asked why, I replied because thats my decision and that's just how it is. Do you detect my care factor of nil at the moment...its unlike me but it's my survival tactics kicking in. I can't cope with additional stresses at the moment, so I'm not at my best and I know that and I can accept that and it will be a tough journey to get through this.
Baby steps one day at a time.
